We often assume that we know how another person we know well will react — what they will say or what they will do. The better we know the person, the more our preconceived notions firm up.
Journalist Amelia Hill, when she was reflecting on a broken friendship back in 2003, wrote:
“I struggle and dimly begin to see his point. If my friend didn’t regard what she did as wrong, then there are at least two versions of her intention. If there are two interpretations of anyone’s meaning, there might be dozens. If, therefore, there is no absolute truth, then whatever I believe about someone else’s intentions says more about me than about them.”
Amelia was researching a group called Landmark Forum, which is famous for holding self-help seminars for groups of 150+ participants that enable people to confront the results of many years of misunderstood actions and reactions in important relationships, or to resolve what are, in effect, childhood traumas.
Amelia’s aha is the obvious one; there is no absolutism when it comes to what transpires in interpersonal relationships, whether private or in the workplace. The perception of a given sequence of interactions with another individual is yours and yours only. We cannot call up some slow-motion replay of the situation and, based on that, objectively decide the perceived reality of the situation for everyone involved. By definition, a reality is yours only. It cannot be 100% identical to that of another person; it can be very close, or, in many cases, it can be quite different. We mistakenly think that our version of reality is right. Right?
We often assume that we know how another person we know well will react — what they will say or what they will do. The better we know the person, the more our preconceived notions firm up, all the way to the extreme extent where, in our eyes, the person will never, ever get a chance to change. “He always does…” “No, she will never do…” We may be right in 80% of these cases, but we will also push that person into certain expected behaviours by our words, our behaviours, and our actions.
Throughout human evolution, our survival and the propagation of the species has been based on our fitness for survival. Part of that fitness is to consume the least amount of energy possible, which, with regard to mental energy, we can express as “pattern recognition” (e.g., we do not need to consume any further precious brain energy once we believe a certain pattern has been established). If I throw a rock at a window pane, it is likely to break. I do not need to retry too many times to establish a pattern. The faster we can establish these patterns, the less energy we consume. Once we have deemed that a pattern indeed exists, any extra mental energy then goes to confirming that the established pattern is recurring. It is natural. It is part of what has made us successful as a species. But, in many cases, it also leads us to wrong conclusions and broken relations.
Think about the goldfish metaphor — every time a goldfish circles its bowl, it has forgotten the previous turn. Wouldn’t it be amazing if, every time you experience ice cream or see a sunset, it could be a new experience? Could you meet your co-founder/colleague/spouse with a blank memory? How would you react? How would you see that person? What do you think that person would be capable of? What would your relationship with that person be capable of?
Typically, I advise friends who want a career change to seek out people who are at least two degrees of separation away from them. Why? Because all closer relations tend to see the person in the way they have gotten to know them. Their pattern recognition kicks in. A friend of mine, a close one (he was the best man at my wedding), became an artist after a very successful career running a large international media sales organisation. He was ambitious, driven, and hard-nosed at times, hiring and firing sales executives depending on their performance. You don’t survive in media sales by being Mr. Nice Guy. I would never have thought he could have become an artist. I didn’t think he would possess the sensibility. It became his calling. I have no idea where he will take it, but I am very proud of what he has done and very impressed with his work.
We should be more open. We should make an effort to believe in the possibility and capabilities of our colleagues, friends, and spouses. We should be less concerned with right or wrong, and more obsessed about the possibilities that our relationships can bring. As the Landmark Forum puts it,
“Be Unreasonable: in expectations of yourself and others beyond what you would think they are capable of.”
Let’s not confine each other to the mediocrity of misunderstood patterns and assumptions — Be Unreasonable!
Have a great week.
Bo
